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2017 NFL Sexiest Player and Why It’s Tom Brady, I Mean Tony Romo

Who is the NFL’s sexiest player for the upcoming 2017 season? It’s not Tom Brady.

Tom Brady. You Gisele holding, ring hoarding, Belichick deciphering, Peyton beating machine, you. The old goat is often regarded to be one of the most handsome devils to set foot onto the gridiron. I cannot disagree with that statement. He is tall, handsome, and looks good in various lengths of hair. His wife clearly didn’t marry him for his money; she has more than he does. God bless Brazil. The 1,2,3,4,5, yeah 5, Super Bowl rings only help his case as I can only imagine that diamond-heavy hand resting upon my shoulders. Yes, sir. I guess there isn’t much reason for him to not win this, but we will get to that.

OBJ. He may have the hair, tattoos, finger strength, and foot speed to win your heart, but I see through that. He is basically a Kardashian with an affinity for catching oddly shaped sports balls. He is high drama, and you couldn’t take him to meet your mama. Plus, he plays for the Giants, a team that is led by a guy who looks like if Michael Phelps and Haley Joel Osment pumped out a kid that was only as athletic as the latter. Read: Eli Manning.

Eric Decker. Who? Yeah. He was that one receiver that Peyton Manning made look really good, when Peyton Manning was still really good in Denver. Decker left for more money (can’t blame him) and Peyton eventually faded into the shadow of his own forehead. Decker is one of those guys that you remember is on the team when he makes one play every third game. He is a summer fling at most. (you might consider talking about his attractive, country singer wife)

J.J. Watt. He should be one of your favorite players to watch on Sundays, and not just because he is good at football. Wink. But for real though, he is really good at football. Wisconsin’s best product that doesn’t involve dairy basically is the Texan’s defense. Justin James Watt seems to be a genuinely nice guy, with 99+ Madden ratings. He would take your daughter to Prom and get her home on time, but only after he mowed your lawn and did your taxes. He is Clay Mathews if Clay Mathews wasn’t a douchebag. He is the anti-Brian Cushing.

Marshawn Lynch. DAMN! That boy is Ugly, with a capital U. Why is he on this list? So he won’t get fined. But for real though, that boy Ugly.

Danny Amendola. Nice guy Danny should be used as your ticket to Tom Brady’s party. Tom is the real prize, but if you can’t get close enough to see the gilded handed QB, Amendola is a nice consolation prize. He is a slightly beefier Ryan Gosling that plays football with Tom Brady. This really requires no more explanation. (He was just signed to a lucrative modeling contract, too)

Russell Wilson. I’ve tried to dislike Russell, I really have. He plays for the trash birds, and wins a lot, but damn I cannot help but like him. If it wasn’t for Talkative Predator, aka Richard Sherman, I would have an easier time not liking Russell. He is the Yin to the Sherman Yang. This pint size QB already has a Super Bowl ring and seems to only be getting better. There is just something about Russell that makes me feel uneasy. It’s like he is hiding something. Perhaps it’s his play on the field that gives me the feelings of distrust. He always seems to get out of trouble and makes some goofy, shouldn’t-be-possible play.

Tony Romo: The NFL’s Sexiest Player of 2017. I know he is just an average looking guy. I also know that he “retired” at the end of last season. Stay with me. Romo could be playing this upcoming season, and I believe he would have a legitimate shot at a ring. I mean if the walking pile of apathy that is Jay Cutler can still get a job throwing balls, then darling Tony can win a Superbowl, damn it! He would have to go through the handsome goat and Belichick to do it, but I digress.

I’m not a Cowboys fan in any sense of the word, trust me, but those rookies did a bang up job last year. The Prescott-Elliot fun train steamed its way to a 13-3 season and casually left ol’ Tony at the preseason station. Did Tony complain? No. He just quietly caught the next train and embraced the backup/mentor role with class. He didn’t complain or demand a trade, he taught and supported his heir. He did this whilst perhaps knowing that he was expediting his own demise. He must have known. I mean, Tony must wake up and piss class into his class toilet.

Let’s break it down. Romo played for Jerry Jones for 13 seasons. So? Well imagine this: you work for your ultra-conservative, make ‘merica great again, Keystone-drinking father-in-law. Your father-in-law for sure thinks that he can do your job better than you can, and for sure he is going to tell you about it. Oh yeah, you live with him too. Well, Jerry Jones is that father-in-law, except Jerry is a billionaire, and Cowboy football is his ‘merica. Now, you’re going to stand there after 13 years of Jerry-ball and watch some kid from Mississippi State take your job? Not only that, but you are going to help him do it? Damn! Tony must be a part-time monk or something. Or maybe he is just the realest guy in the NFL.

Romo saw the opportunity to quit while he was ahead (looking at you Brett). Tony saw the writing on the walls and decided to finish the story before somebody else could. He understood that the best thing for his team was to walk away, even though it might not have been the best thing for his legacy. So that’s what he did. If you told me that his middle name was Humble, I would say that it’s an odd albeit fitting middle name for Tony.

I do suppose that his laundry list of injuries could have factored into his decision to retire, and maybe he chose quality of life after football over football, and maybe he chose to hang with his hot wife and raise his kids instead of getting crushed by giant men all day. But whatever. Humble Tony makes for a better story.

Antonio Humble Ramiro Romo, you are the sexiest NFL player of 2017.

photo credit: Brook-Ward Tom Brady & Josh McDaniels via photopin (license)

photo credit: RMTip21 2010 Dallas Cowboys Schedule via photopin (license)


About the author

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Micah Brown is a University of Idaho graduate with passions for sports, rocks, and spicy foods. He doesn't take himself very seriously and neither should you. You can look forward to reading satirical articles with some hints and twists of seriousness. He will go out of his way to attend any game, especially if there is beer.

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